The Nice Guys.

Last week after some lunch time yoga, I stood waiting for the elevator. Not the main elevator but one tucked back in the corner of the building that takes me right back up to where I sit. Rarely do people take this elevator (unless they too sit in the same area). So as the doors open I was first surprised to see someone getting out of it. Then you can imagine my surprise when I realize the person stepping out of it is someone I went to high school with. Not just any someone, but someone I had a relatively large crush on in high school. One of those big crushes, then he crushed back. But I had a boyfriend, then he had a girlfriend. We did this for most of high school. He's married now with two kids. It was so good to see him and I just had this big smile on my face thinking back to the innocent flirting we did throughout high school.

While I had a big crush on him I also (as my mother will remind me) never actually dated him. He was too nice. And in my high school mind, therefore probably too boring. I think what I really liked was the chase. I liked him when I couldn't have him but when I could have actually dated him, I was distracted by the bad boys. They were exciting and so different from what I was.

Even now, years later, I still have to actively remind myself that nice guys are TOTALLY where it's at. Bad boys bring drama and hurt (and usually joblessness). The excitement wears off when you realize you're more mom than girlfriend. Nice guys offer stability, commitment, respect. (I know, I know. I'm generalizing but it's pretty true.) I don't think I view those things as boring anymore. But I will say this, there is such a thing as too nice. (I know my mom is cringing reading those words right now.)

It's true though. Be respectful, be compassionate, be nice. But don't be a pushover. This is where I've found I have a problem with "nice guys" as an adult. You can tell me I'm wonderful (please do, in fact.) But also acknowledge when I'm not wonderful. I don't want someone to just blow smoke up my ass. You can't always think everything someone does is perfect. A partner in a relationship should help make you a better person and in doing so, occasionally they may have to point out a flaw or mistake. I'm okay with that as long as it's a true mistake / flaw and it's expressed in a constructive and least hurtful way possible. (As long as you'll take it in return without throwing a fit.)

And while I'm at it - a little side rant - you can't always be fooled by niceness. It's possible I am almost more comfortable with the bad boys because they're rather comfortable airing out all that dirty laundry (typically to a fault.) There are always those who are "nice". Typically, they come across as almost too nice. For these friends, do a little public records investigation. And as always, I'm happy to share my internet researching skills. In high school and college chances are when you meet someone, you can find someone who knows them to give you the back story or fill you in on them. Now that we're grown-ups in the real world, the chances of this are much more slim. So we have to rely on our good friend Google and CCAP (court records)*.

And while I don't have regrets, because I believe everything happens for a reason and brings you to where you're supposed to be in life, I wouldn't mind going back a few years and telling High School Angie to give some of those nice guys a chance. Or telling College Angie that there's nothing wrong with a normal, sweet man. (They probably don't stand on a roof and pee on your car. Or make up jobs with cable companies. Or live in your house unemployed for months at a a time. Ah, I do need to write a book.) But in the practice of finding the reasons behind why things happen, I do realize this much - they led me here. I've always been a big believer that relationships of your past don't teach you as much about what you do want but more about what you do not want. They help you create your list of non-negotiables. And let me tell you, I'm creating one hell of a non-negotiables list.

*Whenever I see stories on the news about women who married / traveled with these men who have a list a mile long of prior offenses I always think, "Didn't anyone tell them about CCAP?" I do a search before I go on a DATE with a guy, let alone heading to Aruba or down the aisle!