(Disclaimer: This post is kind of gritty. It's not as peppy as my last few have been. But in being true to the purpose of this blog - documenting my life - and to my readers / friends, I'm sharing some thoughts. Also, I'm sick. Which makes me a whiny little bitch who's sad about life in general...so there's that.)
I allowed myself to have a momentary pity party this weekend. I think sometimes it's necessary and at the root of it, I was being honest with myself about my feelings. And while for the most part (I'd even go as far as to say the greater majority of time) I am just as happy and content as my latest posts have made it sound. I have so much good in my life, it's hard not to be. But sometimes, just sometimes, I'm still sad and a little pissed. Actually, it's probably more like a little sad and a lotta pissed. And that's okay. At least, I'm okay with it.
I still look at my ex's facebook profile occasionally. This is stupid. I know this is stupid. I know anyone who's ever broken up with anyone who just read that statement is thinking about what a bad idea that is. I also know, anyone who's ever broken up with anyone, has been curious. There have been times where that curiosity has paid off. Even this past weekend...when he made a comment about being so lucky (because he gets so drunk) he loses everything when he goes out. Lost his keys, his wallet, his phone and even his car. BUT, lo and behold, he found everything because he's so lucky. This? PISSED ME OFF.
And before you get all "silver lining" on me, know this. I get it. I dodged a bullet. I am so freaking thankful it's not me dealing with the "after math" come the morning when he's blacked out the night before and doesn't know most of what happened or where most of his things are. I am SO happy about that. However, it still pisses me off that some people can be so stupid about life and still get away without consequences. THAT makes me angry.
Then I see things about girls, pictures with girls, comments by girls. Let's get something straight here. I have said to many people on many occasions, I am very glad, looking back, that I am not with him. He is not the right person for me, and frankly the way he lives his life is so not in accordance with how I want to live mine. What I'm sad about is that I am no longer in a relationship. The relationship I was in, wasn't what I thought it was. I am upset that I spent 2 1/2 years of my life in what I now see was a sham. Through no fault of my own. This makes me angry. I don't want to be with him, I never want to be in any sort of relationship with him. But dammit, that doesn't mean I want him to be in one first! (I know, I'm 12 right now, deal.)
I am angry that I feel as though I'm doing everything right. Placing myself in the right position to be happy in a relationship. I am angry that he is doing everything wrong and still manages to get away in situations that appear to be consequence free. I do realize that while it appears this way, living your life like that will catch up to you (as I believe it has, twice.) I know that while things might not always happen the way you want them to or when you want them to, good things come to those who wait. That I can rest assured I'm doing things the "right way" and that it will pay off in the end. I understand if I wanted to, I could be dating someone. But instead I refuse to compromise my standards and am waiting for something better, something I deserve.
If I'm being entirely honest (which, quite obviously, I am), I'm also a little saddened by the fact that I spent so many months being so angry with and directing so much hate towards his ex-fiance. And now I realize I never truly knew the real story. That there's a good chance some very similar things are being said about me to new girls, that he told me about her. I suppose it's very easy to create a monster out of a stranger.
I do my very best to live life without regrets. I understand that I learned some very clear lessons about life and relationships from the past 3 years. I know that it has changed the way I will function in future relationships and what I will no longer tolerate, what I'm calling my list of "non-negotiables." Three years ago today I met him for the first time in person. I am angry that I have had to put up with what I have over the past 3 years. I'm disappointed that friends and family have been hurt in the process. Truthfully, I'm sad that it seems as though other girls will fall into the same pattern.
But the best I can do now is take those lessons, develop my non-negotiables and move forward. Because there's only one person who controls your happiness and that's you. He took enough of my time, effort, emotion and support. I'm redirecting that to me...and in the future, towards someone who deserves it and will appreciate it.
I'll be back to happy, "whoops I took African Dance" like posts tomorrow - just wrapping up my pity party.