Friday, June 3, 2011

The Gray.

"Shades of gray wherever I go,
The more I find out the less that I know,
Black and white is how it should be,
But shades of gray are the colors I see."
-Billy Joel

I need to warn right off the bat that this is going to be scatterbrained. I knew it the minute I wrote the title. I have issues with the word "grey"...mostly because I never know if it's grey or gray? I know technically it can be either. (Turns out there's an entire website explaining it.) In England they use grey. In America, we use gray. My spell check clearly prefers gray. I think I never questioned the spelling until Grey's Anatomy and then that version started looking more familiar. ANYWAY (holy shit Angie, really? This many words dedicated to the spelling of grey / gray?!) my point here, was that even the word itself has to be complicated. OF COURSE IT DOES.

I had a chat with my friend, we'll call her S, last night about my extreme dislike for the "gray area." I prefer knowing to not knowing, and as far as I'm concerned, the gray area is as good as not knowing. I like answers. Definitive responses. Meticulous plans. Sure I like a good surprise here and there (but I WILL annoy the piss out of you leading up to it, trying to find out what the surprise is.) I acknowledge it's a little excessive, could be toned down, and I do NOT expect others to function like this. It's borderline obsessive and there's no good that comes from obsessing about anything in life, this I know. In the midst of this conversation S asked, "Have you always been like this?"

I thought back, as far as I can remember and then to some stories I've been told, and realized while I maybe haven't been as obsessive about it, I've always been quite particular. (In fact, you can ask my mom...as a kid I had some pretty distinct phases. Like when I would ONLY wear things with pockets...and then shortly after REFUSED anything with pockets. Seriously, that happened.)

My particularity and control freak tendencies are obviously directly related to my love for black and white and solid plans. BUT, as we've learned from all good recovery programs, the first step is acknowledging the problem. S is about as opposite of that as they come, and was sweet enough to tell me how she wishes she had a little more of that in her. We agreed we could both use a little more of the other in our lives.

So I'm going to work on it. More patience. More go with the flow. More respect for the gray. The here and now and less focus on what that means to the future. Someday, when I have kids, I'll NEED to be the obsessive coordinator of the family to keep all things sane. I'll HAVE to wonder about what it means to the future and what every reaction will be to every action. But for now, when it's just me, I could probably use a little less of it.

This is me...doing my best at going with the flow. Taking it as it comes. In the words of Garth, from the true cinematic genius that was Wayne's World, I'm going to "Live in the now!" (and probably blog quite a bit about how annoying it is...here in the now :)

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