Monday, May 23, 2011

Stronger.

"Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried."

If you've recently gone through a break-up in the last few months, you already know the lyric above. You know the song, you've probably listened to it about a hundred times on repeat. If you haven't gone through a break-up you might not be familiar with this newly-single person's anthem. It's by Sara Evans and is called "A Little Bit Stronger." Go take a listen, it's pretty damn good. I happened to discover this song as I was on my way to meet a friend / co-worker for a Yoga class. I had to stop and get gas before hand so I headed out a little early. I got in the car and the song had just started on the radio. I hadn't heard it but the lyrics grabbed from the first second.

"Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger."

It was as if someone had broken into my head and stole my feelings. As I kept listening I was convinced more and more Sara Evans had access to my brain. She was walking around and writing a song about my feelings, my heart break. I sat in my car and sobbed. It was one of those take your breath away, grasp your chest and SOB kind of moments. It is one of the clearest moments I have post-break-up. It became my anthem. I still get a little teary eyed when I hear it. Not so much because it reminds me of the pain, but because she's right. I was getting a little bit stronger. Every minute, every day. Day one was just getting dressed. Day 10 was going out. Day 40 was going on a date. Little by little I got stronger. Things became easier.

This weekend marked three whole months. One quarter of year has passed, no FLOWN, by. I think about it less. I talk about it a lot less. I dwell on it all a whole lot less. On my way to work this morning I realized it just doesn't consume my life anymore. I have gotten stronger than I ever imagined I could. Three months ago my world was turned around and I was broken. And I have to say, I am pretty fucking proud at how well I have picked up those pieces and become as strong as I have. It wasn't alone and I couldn't have done it without the help and support of "my people," but together the pieces were reassembled into a better version of me.

People always remind you in moments of pain and weakness that there's a reason for everything. You might not be able to see it then, but everything has a reason behind it. I clung to this. I reminded myself there was a plan, and this HAD to work out for the better. And it has. I thought he was the best thing to ever happen to me, turns out him leaving was. One of the absolute worst moments of my life has turned out to be the start of something great. I have created a better, stronger me. A smarter me who knows what she will and will not tolerate. A happier me and a healthier me.

"I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger."

I don't regret what happened. And for as quick and harsh as it ended, I had a lot of happiness while I was in that relationship. I learned a lot about me and about relationships. It was for the better it happened, but also that it ended. With each passing day I have gotten stronger and stronger. Bit by bit, day to day. I have had bad minutes, bad hours and bad days that have snuck in there. I still have little twinges of sadness about what was and about what I thought could have been. But the me from three months ago would be amazed to learn where she'd be in such a short window of time. It happened for a reason, and if the last three months are any indication of what's to come I can't even imagine what's next.

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