I've been terrible at posting lately. Mostly because my personal life decided to do a 180 and I've spent the last couple weeks figuring out what that means. I didn't want to get into it on my blog. Or did I? Should I just quietly disappear from the blog? Or should I use this for exactly the purpose I created it for. To document life. And unfortunately, it's not always documentation you want...but that's life, right?
So anyways. Last week, my motto was to just not give a fuck. It's blunt, it's crass, it's what I felt last week. I survived almost entirely off of wine, beer, macaroni and cheese, and as little time out of my bed as humanly possible.
This week I decided I needed a new approach. I needed to go the entire week without alcohol, eat well, get lots of exercise and rest, and take care of my mind and body. And I did. And out of that, the new motto, "This is my reality" was born.
So what is my reality? My reality is that 3 weeks ago, I was as close to engaged as you can be without a ring. I had the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I had visions of our big day, kids, a house in Tosa with a cute picket fence. I had looked at rings and reception sites. We were going to get married and I was going to continue on with my life plan of a wedding and babies to follow soon. I had finally found my best friend and boyfriend in one and I was ready to conquer the world with him.
My new reality is that he wasn't ready to conquer the world together. My new reality is that all those plans I had made and created are no longer applicable right now. My new reality is that I am 27 and newly single again. Not where I wanted to be, but whether good or bad? It's where I am. And no amount of beer, tears or cheese is going to change that.
So, I spent this week figuring out what my new reality looks like. And honestly, as different as it is from my previous reality? It's not all bad. It's just different. I live by myself again. Not bad, just different. I have more time to work out after work, that's a great thing. I watch whatever I want on TV when I'm done working out. I make whatever I want for dinner (even if it was mac & cheese three nights in a row). I spend half as much at the grocery store. That's not bad either. I have more time to spend with my amazing friends and wonderful family (who have literally been holding together the pieces when I couldn't). I have two wonderful little furkids at home who don't look at me like I'm crazy when I hold conversations with them (or at least have a great way of hiding it if they are!). I have TWO separate girls weekends planned in the upcoming months. I spent an hour meandering through Home Depot on a weeknight with my mom finding little things we can change around the house. This weekend I'll join forces with my parents to make those changes.
My reality is different, it's not what I wanted, it's not how I "pictured" things. But it is what it is (where have I heard that before?!). And I can try my hardest to fight the reality, but in the end, reality always wins. So I'm adjusting and continuing to roll with the punches. Day to day, bit by bit.