Tuesday, January 27, 2009

With reason.

First - my apologies for the lack of updates - I know my two fans have really been missing the posts. (JT & Rebecca - I'm updating for you).

That being said it's been a rough few days. Sometimes it amazes me how quickly life reminds you that it is still in the driver's seat and no matter how sure you are of somethings, it will change your life through events, interactions, and results of the two with a blink of an eye. Accepting that you're not in control at all times of all events and actions in your life is always a hard pill to swallow. I realize that I can be a bit of a control freak sometimes. Not so much with other people but with my own life. I can't even put into words how frustrated and angry I get when I don't feel like I'm in control of what's going on in my life.

On the flip side of that though, I very often think about how scary it would be if I was in TOTAL control. I like the thought of some higher power or being helping to guide where I'm going in life. I used to be much more religious than I am now, I had a much stronger faith. I know it doesn't have to necessarily be God who's in control...could be fate, the Universe, some random force of nature, whatever it is, I like knowing SOMETHING else is having an influence on my life...helps me realize things happen with reason.

It's when that control freak creeps in that I have to remind myself, "Self, you always say everything happens for a reason." And I really do believe this. I think that very often when bad things are over and the pain is gone, you can look back and realize that because it happened something else was made better by it. It's not always easy to do, but I do still strongly believe that. And because I believe that, I do also believe that that higher power, whatever it may be, is the one implementing those events with reason. I found a quote the other day "Every moment of your existence has its own significance in the wider scheme of things." Fits pretty well with the thought process I'm having now.

So anyways - pretty scatter brained post...but it's definitely where my heads at now...and without all the sob story details...I'm hoping everything really does happen for a reason, that this is just a small drop in the bucket of things to come in life. And as always...in shitty situations I'm reminded what an incredible support system I've got to fall back on. I'd spend a lot more time curled up in the fetal position as my method of dealing without that system. Thanks for making me uncurl. :) (that smiley face was both well placed and necessary...by no means excessive!).

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